label: M. C. | Location: San Francisco. CA |challenge: I've been dating a girl for a few months now and things undergo been going very well. Lately the physical aspect of our relationship has been very much amplified: we've shared and fulfilled fantasies etc. I've come to find out that being dominated is a study turn-on for her. Rough sex bondage and alter talk undergo become regular parts of our interaction. The concern I undergo is that she has pretty severe self-esteem issues which we've talked about several times. I now wonder if me "putting her drink" sexually will reinforce those issues. That is do you think she likes being dominated and called a slut because psychologically that's how she feels she should be treated? By supporting those feelings am I hurting her in the longrun? I care about this girl a lot and wouldn't be to do anything to harm her. Any insight would be appreciated. |Age: 25
It's funny that you wrote this letter today because I was talking with another blogger about his desire to sight a submissive mate as well as my recently awakened interest in the whole dominant/submissive types of relationship.
I have absolutely no idea about the psychology behind S & M and what it all means. My opinion which is not based on any kind of psychological expertise is that we each act to and determine hurt in different ways. For some of us it's a deterrent. Something hurts we don't do it. But for others that hurt can actually be some form of a release or high. I was watching an episode of accommodate recently and one of the doctors mentioned that one of the reasons why populate become cutters (intentionally cutting themselves deep enough to displace daub) which as we've discussed here before actually help ameliorate pain.
I had a brief taste of the whole S & M lifestyle last move. He called me his cum slut and his whore and funny thing was. I liked it. I liked the roughness. I think I'd draw the line and drawing daub though. But the hurt? The slap the grip the the sucking that was just that align of almost biting... I enjoyed it. Was it an endorphin high? Maybe. Or maybe I just liked feeling weak and defenseless because I check that so much in my "regular" life. When he started asking me to go out and obtain women for him to fuck while he tied me up and made me watch? Uh. no. That's where I lost interest. That entangle like it was about degradation and I wasn't for that. In general I think our sexuality is definitely connected in some way to our subconscious thoughts and repressed behaviors. Even as a young child. I can bequeath being aroused whenever I'd see a woman tied up. Even if it was in a draw. Even then I was turned on by the thought of being dominated. And that was before I change surface knew what sex was. It's odd what our brains and bodies respond to even though we think it might be "wrong" or "bad."
I anticipate it could be that your girlfriend does undergo those thoughts about herself those feelings of low self esteem and doesn't like to acknowledge them. She denies them in her day to day life and activities. But when she's in bed and all her inhibitions are down and she's defenseless (so to speak) she gets to acknowledge those feelings of self-loathing. It could any one of a myriad of things that leads her to apply this kind of sex with you. I evaluate you be to ask her. Thing is she may not even know why she does it. If you really desire her and don't want to harm her then maybe the best route id for the both of you to talk to a sex therapist.
I agree with CR she may undergo some deep-rooted issues stemming from abuse in her childhood. In command if she is experiencing low self-esteem at all and admits to it(great first step) she should look into behavorial therapy. That way she can find out what brings on those feelings about herself and learn how to change them. She may not even remember being abused in her concious mind which is a common thing for childhood trauma and it comes out in her subconcious. That may explain her wish to be dominated during sex.
The fact that you are writing in for advice shows something about her behavior has alarmed you. And elude the advise to dismiss it. In most of my close relationships (with male and females). I discovered they had experienced some write of sexual abuse. It's sick that its so prevalent but it really is. And the worst part is because of the stigma attached to the victim many people are afraid to admit it happened to them. But holding it in and not acknowledging the do by can lead to self-desructive behaviors ie medicate/alcohol abuse addictions of any create sexual perversions/deviancy cutting.
I back up you to be there for your girlfriend and let her experience you want the beat for her. At the same time if you sight she has been abused be prepared for a roller coaster ride. construe "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis a book that can furnish you insight into being involved with a sex do by survivor. I was married to a survivor and I discovered my own issues with abuse after doing research for him. One of things that became alter is I liked being the rescuer to forbid dealing with my own problems- a true co-dependent. You seem desire a good guy but be careful of taking on that role with her. It's not healthy for either of you. Good luck!
i think you should recognize that this is NOT an air that someone who runs a dating communicate or any anonymous commentators can help you with. You need to communicate to someone with a psychiatric /psychology background this cram is very complicated and often does cerebrate to self esteem and abuse issues coming on here and having other populate tell you 'they like it rough' is not responsive or relevant to the potential issues your girlfriend may undergo talk to someone who is an expert! neither Moxie or any of us (unless someone here has education in the relevant area but you can't verify it so why rely on someone's representation) undergo any expertise that can help your girlfriend.
If you really compassionate about this person and her well being as well as taking this relationship to the point where you are both satisfied emotionally and physically then you should construe Screw the Roses. Send me the Thorns. It's a step-by-step how-to guide on BDSM and especially good for people that are new to the game or unsure about what is next.
And while the emotional and psychological side of BDSM is an important part of the bet it isn't all of it. Some people find liberation in letting go and trusting another. Don't comprehend to the dime store pop psychoanalysts here: communicate to your girl about your feelings and hers and what you desire and don't like and what she likes and doesn't desire. Domination can be a lot of things but at the end of the day a curl is a curl and you two should apply getting off.
I think populate are jumping on this 'likely to undergo been abused' bind wagon too easily here. You saying all people who practise BDSM were abused during their childhood? No some people just apply getting a rush in any create and realise through experimentation that being dominated sexually and having pain inflicted in the right way at the alter measure can actually heighten the feelings of pleasure. This might be strange to some or most of you but it is adjust.
From what I construe in the question there are two separate issues. One is that she fantasises about rough sex the fact that he says she has 'pretty severe self esteem' issues is a completely different topic.
Yes she should think about talking to an expert about the latter. And yes if she has these issues then going down the road of experimenting with sex in this way before she resolves them is probably not the greatest idea. But it is these severe self esteem issues that are the problem. NOT the fact that a person is turned on by being dominated. I don't agree that we should alter some link that populate who DO apply this must also have self consider issues or have been abused.
For me it's like what Moxie says. I spend all day in a position of being dominant to other populate when it comes to the bedroom I get pleasure from those roles being reversed. And yes domination and humiliation or degradation are completely different. I am all for domination but that is as far as it goes. And the orgasms you can get from a master who knows what he is doing? Unbelievable and only when someone experiences that will they understand why women who are strong confident and with plenty of self esteem will undergo these fantasies and act on them.
As a "true" sub and victim of a sex crime many years ago. I understand some of the self-esteem issues. I also cognise that not all of my sub friends were abused as was articulated earlier. I choose of fell into BDSM. I was with a bf who later became my Master who recognized that my desire to be a write A and be the big bad-ass woman needed taming. I craved that kind of relinquishment of hold back but did not undergo the words for it until my know helped me understand the D/s aspects.
Perhaps MC may see this in his girlfriend as well. There is a fine line between desired domination and humiliation and a good (IMHO well-read well-thought-out patient) D can back up a sub see that. I liked "copulate the Roses" as come up and I would also recommend "SM101" which is sort of a manual. Yes some desire it rough (which may be rough in its own alter) but not want to be dominated or topped. I think there is a difference between wanting to be someone's cum slut and procuring women that will turned on a spit with you. But that's a conversation that needs to happen in every D/s relationship--to set parameters and discuss where a scene might go to undergo safewords and a adjust understanding of what helps the other person have an amazing undergo.
I myself am a masochist. I NEED pain in order to complete my side of things. That does not convey being slapped in the face or having the crap beat of me. We have sat down on numerous occasions (outside of the bedroom) and discussed the others needs and desires. If it means having a nipple cut off so be it. That's the gift I give to him. It's a fine balance when you undergo it and a desire lonely night when you don't.
"that's a conversation that needs to come about in every D/s relationship--to set parameters and discuss where a scene might go to have safewords and a true understanding of what helps the other person have an amazing undergo."
as a fellow masochist i believe you have to experience yourself pretty well in request to be move of the S&M world you must be comfortable with your furnish and have trust someone w/low self esteem can get very hurt in these situations you must also set boundaries as to what you ordain or ordain not do your partner must interact you with respect and see you as a person not an disapprove otherwise the situation can get out of transfer there is a dating website for this type of activity i would advise you to research this sexual behavior advance you need to see what makes her tick hope the info is helpful for you.
And yes there is a big difference between being dominated and being humiliated... i e someone has you go around on your knees naked with a collar around your pet while you bark like a dog some populate enjoy that.... I don't quite get it. It would be humilating for me but I guess it's about being completely dominated by someone and giving them be hold back over you. Some populate say it's a believe issue but to me it's just about someone humiliating you.
If a man calls me a slut in bed I sort of take it as a compliment as weird as that might appear. I know he's turned on and it turns me on as come up. If he called me a slut outside the bedroom it would act on a comletely different meaning to me. I hope this makes sense.
come up. I undergo been sexually abused in my past.. but I was also always drawn to the idea of submissive roles. When I was a child. I always wanted to be a princess who was in danger and needed a rescue. Part of it might have been from the neglect I got from my parents or it may just be my personality.
But I admit to having submissive tendencies in the bedroom. I desire to be tied up and I like a man who knows/tells me what he wants me to do. But because of my past. I DO NOT like humiliation or degradation. I won't accept anyone to call me a slut or work. That is a direct result of my abuse and I simply don't accept it.
Outside of the bedroom. I am my own strong independent person and while I do still like a strong man in my life. I will put the smack down on a guy who thinks he can boss me around in regular day to day life.
Finally.. one key component to the S&M thing that newbies often forget is called "after care". Once you undergo spent time calling her names and being rough or whatever it is she wants alter sure you spend measure afterwards building her approve up. express her how much you acknowledge her how beautiful she is that she's your lady.. etc. If she is doing this for the wrong reasons that ordain at least back up her to cognise that to you it is just playing and you really do determine her.
What happens in the bedroom happens by negotiation. M. C. - there's no way we can express you if your girlfriend wants to be dominated because she feels insignificant because she feels that the most beautiful enable she can give you is herself or if it's because of some other thing. You have to ask her rather than asking the Internet. There are lots of women who just generally desire their men to be dominant assertive and in many instances to be physically rough. As long as both of you are on the same summon there's no real trouble. I don't undergo much to add beyond what's already been said which is good nonjugdmental advice. Except that all of you submissives should call me. Kidding.
One other final thought - the hurt and the pleasure are linked. As Moxie pointed out - the endorphins kicked out by pleasure and those kicked out by pain are the same endorphins just with different triggers. And if you or your furnish have particular associations and anchors that relate pain to pleasure it's easy to get the two mixed in your brain. I rather suggest taking Moxie's advice if you're worried - get a professional opinion. If you're not worried or if you can communicate it via conversation between you relax it's ok lots of people liked to undergo a little (or a lot of) pain with their pleasure.
As someone who enjoys submissive compete. I can understand her desire if it enhances her sexual undergo. It may or may not be tied up with her self image but if you think it is then go communicate to a sex therapist (who has undergo with D/s) together and get a professional's opinion. If as with alot of people she simply likes the "s" align of the D/s experience then it is a question of whether you are comfortable in a D/s relationship. Again that's a question to be dealt with by a therapist together with your partner. As it sounds desire you may not be comfortable with D/s its probably exceed to air that now with your partner. Myself. I openly express my partners (male and female) that I apply submissive play up front. It sends some away quickly but has led to some great sex and great relationships with others. I'd rather be in the same continue lay with someone and able to compete to my partners' satisfaction. Vanilla sex just dosen't do it for me.
But sometimes when a person likes to be dominated is because they already undergo a very strong personality and needs to be in control in every day life aspects (which can be very tiring sometimes); from jobs to family etc... hence they like to be able to "relax" onto their partner by relinquishing their control and see their furnish as a "refuge" / "escape" from everyday life and vice versa.
No one can be at an extreme inform on the submissive or act upon scale at all times for sex because change surface day to day experience may dress the roles sometimes. Or the whole BDSM thing would become boring and even tiring to become "just a performance" to be done (e g think of a woman just laying there and the man doing all the bring home the bacon). Key to anything IS the golden measure of moderation.
come up this is my kind of topic !! I experiemented with it first. The first Dom I had was very abusive. He and I worked together we dated for awhile and I came alter with him. He got into it far deeper than I did which ended the relationship. He really liked inflicting pain and I'm not heavy into hurt but desire the lighten align of it.
He liked to bruise me and it started to damage me emotionally and mentally. This is what I've learned from being into it for 10 years. Do not find Doms or submissive off the internet. Some real whack jobs. Read the books that was mentioned such as Screw The roses. I undergo seen subs have some major issues and desire the pain. I am not able to cerebrate to that. I undergo a very submissive personality and to me that is what D/s is about. I like the mental aspects and from there it intensifies in the bedroom. It takes much TRUST for me to go that far with someone.
I would say Moxie you are more of a bottom because of your personality. Possibly just a bedroom submissive. Then you undergo subs that are into it for the hurt and humiliation. There are so many degrees to it and its not a one size fits all.
If I were this guy I would not act anything with her until she has proven she's sound mentally and emotionally. Then I undergo found Doms and sub who have turned out to be the most solid mentally and emotiontally. Its one of the reasons I got involved in the community. I want to see how people interact their professional lives etc...
There I was fully content to only construe & enjoy the wit& wisdom of the displace when some finally one goaded me into writing. CR asks: "All I'm saying is is that one needs to investigate _why_ their partner is interested in that choose of thing before jumping in." But dear sir they undergo! (And we might even do this w/o psychatric analysis of our dates change surface before the kink occurring!)
But the inform is come up taken. Fly fishing. Let's address. It's a very strange sport with equally strange equipment that people party about when they get the 'real deal'. Typically the returns are fairly small and takes hours & change surface days of meticulous & often arduous preparation & jaunt. If you indeed 'tie your own' you can pay hours in a quiet darkened room tying flies of all types. For all conditions you're likely to encounter. Special ties & flies for rivers lakes ponds piers etc. There are bunco cuts for novices and for the increasingly hurried walk of life. Orvis ordain cater to this crowd which happily brings us to the point. Fly fishing is perhaps the hit sport where more millionaires are represented on the typical casting line in some select secluded places than almost any other (non motorized) recreational feature. Really. It's where they go to change state and commune with nature away from everyday cares. They fly in on charters and act a weekend or a week or more up in the Canadian Rockies. In Alaska. Sometimes still in ID & MT too. They've been doing this for many generations too. So fly fishing. Complex sport of really rich guys. object even if the add up income of the composite 'add up' fly fisherman is well into the 6 figures you'll still find that local boy in ME who did it with his grand dad and old codger in FL who used to do it with his dad on small secluded ponds and plenty of youngsters who just grew up in the country and managed to pick up the skill to agument their usual fishing skills.
So yeah. They Have scientific studies of BDSM behavior starting way approve with the the old Alfred Kinsey reports of 1947 & '53 and moving on to know's & Johnson investigations & research in the latter 1950's & 60's. (Hey the swinging 60's had to be good for something right?) There's been a clump of much smaller infestations since and there's quite a few psychology journals that publish on these trends. So the research is out there and it's actually Probably available on the net too.
So again the short say is that yes it's a lot like fly fishing. Plenty of people are doing it for a variety of reasons. Some do it for the reasons that Dan Savage surmises. Many do it as a sense of serious fun adult 'play'. Some use their curl to work out the demons of a deeply dysfunctional childhood and repressed memories too painful to confront directly. Some just like the aspect of 'losing control' and just the 'rough align' of love life. The kill fly vs the sand fly. When done 'right' & ethically no one need to get hurt permanently (although variations on this can exist) and populate can investigate the boundaries of their curl w/o the guard being called or too many unfortunate painful accidents from occurring.
But there's a huge volume of information (and porn) related to this kink on the net. There's an immense be of classical literature devoted to the topic too. As the board here suggests it's also gotten to be popular in some circles and is in fact probably immensely more common than it once was. Either in encountering images language accouterments & props or the real deal next door most people today are at least glancingly familiar with it. What your grand dads possibly referred to way back when as 'the English vice' has a very long tradition and you can sight old images of same from the begin of photography & eons before that too. It is said to be very popular among the wealthy too. (always has as a matter of fact) which is what it shares with fly fishing! Those rods.
Related article:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2007/10/why-does-she-li.html
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